Elizabeth Must Die...I Think.
by Moondance
Summary: A soap-opera type story involving Harry Potter and company. Watch out for gobbledegook. If you don't understand half of what's going on, that's ok. I wrote it mainly for my friends. I haven't gotten around to putting it in chapters.


  
Chapter One  
  
"Bgeen-thi? It's just not fair!" Chelsea complained, after reading Elizabeth's story on her laptop. (Her laptop had been created by two renowned scientists. It was the first genetically-engineered laptop ever, made next to a plastic flamingo factory.)  
"What's not fair?" Elizabeth asked innocently, although she knew perfectly well what wasn't fair.  
"It's always me! No one else ever makes out with evil chickens. Why is it always me?"  
Elizabeth shot Ginger a look and Ginger turned so Chelsea wouldn't see her cracking up. Elizabeth was a little better at keeping a straight face, but not great. She bit her lip, trying not to laugh.  
"Oh anly judt. I mean, it was kinda funny when Ginger and I wrote our story, and so I just had to put it in this one. I mean, Ginger's doomed and destined, and you've got to be too."  
Chelsea gave Elizabeth an evil look. "Well, what about you?"  
Ah yes, Elizabeth had been waiting for this. She had manipulated the conversation to get to this point. "Actually, Chelsea, I've been meaning to tell you something…" She'd already told Ginger, who'd been thrilled, and her parents, who'd been less than thrilled, and J.K. Rowling, who was now one of her best friends, but she wasn't sure how Chelsea'd take it.  
"Will I like it?"  
"Well…let him tell you himself."  
"What?"  
Elizabeth picked up her backpack, which was lying on the floor next to her, and removed something that looked a sock. Chelsea was hoping for some ice-cold peanuts that she could be morally opposed to, but no such luck. Elizabeth spoke to the sock, and the sock answered.  
"Bgeen-thi?" Chelsea said.  
Ginger, who had been quiet for a while because she'd been examining the broken lightsaber and trying to fix it, said, "Just hang on, Chelsea. She's working on it."  
Just then, the doors opened and in walked Chel-sea's worst enemy, a person who struck terror in the hearts of alektophiliacs:  
  
Draco Malfoy.  
  
Chapter Two  
  
"Noooooooo!" Chelsea cowered behind the seat. Draco laughed. It was not a high, cold, cruel laugh, just an amused laugh. Elizabeth gazed at him with adoring eyes. Draco winked back at her.  
Ginger raised her eyebrows and snapped a photo for the Witch's Broomstick. She'd been hired as the photographer. After Crabbe and Goyle had be-come Evil Poptarts and had run off with a couple of fruit flies, Draco had found someone else to confide in, to tell his troubles to, to plot evilly with.  
Chelsea, in a terrified voice and barely above a whisper, "Why are you here?"  
Draco grinned and answered, "Well, I'm going to guess you're not gonna be as psyched as we are and Ginger is…but I mean we have to tell you anyway. Right, baby?" He grinned at Elizabeth and she smiled back. Chelsea took note of this and looked absolutely disgusted. Ginger continued to fiddle with the green lightsaber.  
"Once we're finished with school, we're getting married," Elizabeth said.  
Chelsea's mouth opened and she looked like she was going to scream, but no sound came out. She was completely petrified.  
Ginger glanced at her watch and said, "Mazel tov, Elizabeth, Draco. We'd better change now, we'll be there soon."  
Chelsea found her voice and spat, "How can you think about things like that at a time like this?"  
Draco, Elizabeth, and Ginger all exchanged glances. Chelsea was too worked up and hysterical to notice. Draco said, "I'll be back in a minute, then." And he opened the door and stepped through it to the next car.  
Chelsea looked at Elizabeth with a look of pure venom. "You…you…you traitor!" she hissed. She stormed out of the car.  
"Hey, I didn't think she's take it this harshly!" Ginger said after an awkward silence.  
"It's okay, I don't care what Chelsea thinks. Neither does Draco. Anyway, if you want to, I'd love for you to be the Maid of Honor."  
Ginger's face lit up. "You mean it? Really? I'd love to!"  
"Great! J.K. Rowling and I think Katrina and maybe Katie will be bridesmaids," Elizabeth said. "Anyway, we should get changed now. We're almost there."  
So Elizabeth and Draco were incredibly happy, Ginger was incredibly happy, and Chelsea was furious with rage and hatred. To Chelsea, Elizabeth marrying Draco was worse than Elizabeth marrying Voldemort.   
  
  
Chapter Three  
  
Chelsea was morally opposed to Elizabeth's ice-cold sock-stored peanuts now, and Ginger's too, because Ginger was happy for Elizabeth and Draco. She sat in a car all alone, and that was fine with her. After she'd changed, she furiously tore open a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. She sat there scarfing down beans, not caring what flavor they were, because she only cared about Draco. She'd never told anyone this, not even Andrew. Chelsea let her mind drift and daydream about the gorgeous blonde hunk (Draco).  
Suddenly there was a noise behind her. Chel-sea whirled around and there was Max standing in the doorway, scarier now that he had his robes and hat on. Unable to resist, she said, "You know, Ginger's in that car down there."  
Max looked confused for a minute and then said, "Actually I was looking for someone else…not Ginger, I mean, heck!" He shuddered and twisted his face into a weird expression, and in her anger towards Ginger she couldn't blame him.  
"I can probably help you…who are you looking for?" Chelsea asked.  
"Um, Katrina…you know Katrina, don't you? I have to give her a message," he said quickly, before Chelsea could jump to any conclusions.   
"I know her. She's in the car two down--with Daniel Mumbauer…" she leaned over a little closer and whispered, "alone."  
Max looked a little sick. "Okay, thanks…and Hermione? Do you know where she is?" Chelsea told him. He thanked her and started to leave, but then turned and tossed Chelsea a Chocolate Frog, and winked flirtingly. But she couldn't even get excited about that, because she only had eyes for Draco.  
  
  
Chapter Four  
  
They'd gotten off the Hogwarts Express and were now at the Start-of-Term Banquet. Peeves had found out about Elizabeth and Draco, and was telling every student he saw. Katrina and Daniel sat at the Hufflepuff table holding hands. The Fat Friar noticed this and congratulated them on their two years of go-ing steady, since the fourth year. Daniel was taking Katrina to a special place in Hogsmeade the first chance they got.  
Chelsea was sitting with Dobby at the Gryffin-dor table, far away from everyone else, telling him about PETA and how you can survive on only rabbit food. Dobby looked fascinated. After she got bored with brainwashing him into becoming a PETA person so he'd be wrong and opinionated, she started telling him about Draco and Elizabeth.  
Ginger was sitting with four guys at the Gryffindor table, who looked like sixteen-year-old versions of the members of a certain band. Two played guitar, one drums, and the other was a LEFT-HANDED bass player (otherwise right-handed, but very cute and interesting). They were talking about two movies called "A Lard Phase Bite" and "Kelp!".   
Next to Ginger was Hermione. She, Harry, Ron, and Max (a RIGHT-HANDED bass player, not nearly as cute or interesting) were discussing Quid-ditch. Max was a little worried, because his best friend Michael Robbins, the Hufflepuff Seeker, would have a very, very hard time beating Ginger. (Since Harry had sprained his wrist, Ginger was substituting for him. The Gryffindors weren't worried, though, because Ginger was as good as Harry was.) Michael would never hear the end of it.  
Elizabeth and Draco were sitting together at the Slytherin table, chatting with Draco's little brother, Darth. Peeves had informed Snape of the engage-ment, and Snape went over to the table to congratulate Draco and Elizabeth. All was going well.  
Peeves slipped over to the High Table, a very daring caper. Suddenly, Professor Trelawney shrieked, "No, they must not! The stars are not aligned correctly! They won't be for another 713 years!"  
Immediately everyone stopped eating and was silent.  
Peeves looked quite happy.  
Draco craned his neck to see what was going on. Elizabeth looked at Trelawney, who was going through a weird ritual and spinning a pendant on her neck. Draco turned back to Elizabeth and said, "Anly judt…I mean she could be right…"  
Elizabeth rolled her eyes and said, "Oh Draco, come on, we'll be fine. I'm not changing any plans just because an inscrouching old lady who sees dead people-I mean dogs, but probably dead people too-and reads tea leaves said the stars aren't in the right position! What do stars have to do with anything?"   
But just in case, she took out her family of plastic food and set it on the table.  
"I guess you're right."  
"I know I'm right."  
  
Chapter Five  
  
Classes had started a week ago and Chelsea was still furious. To vent, she wrote form letters for PETA. She started talking to Andrew in the common room, and he helped her understand that there really wasn't anything she could do about it, except for killing Elizabeth. But alas. She couldn't do it herself. She already had too much of a criminal record in the Evil Taco world: making out with Evil Chickens and persons who did things with-no, to Evil Chickens, not showing up for very, very, very important events, et cetera.  
So she'd have to pay someone else to (she was liking this bounty hunter bit). Not Andrew, he couldn't kill his former crush…not Ginger, she and Elizabeth were friends, and besides, Ginger wasn't that keen on dead bodies, even though Blah-ah-grrr was always an option…Dr. Sloth! No, wait, he couldn't come to Hogwarts from Neopia. Especially since he was in the middle of a war…maybe Max! Yes, he could kill her by playing his bass. Uninter-esting bass lines can bore you to death. It was bril-liant!  
  
  
Chapter Six  
  
It was all ready. Max had sent Elizabeth a note that said, "Please come to Gryffindor common room 8 P.M. 18 October" and she was on her way, wearing her Invisibility Cloak as a precaution. She didn't want anyone to see her.  
Yet.  
When she arrived, there was Max, discussing Care of Magical Creatures with Hermione. Harry was talking to Ginger about Quidditch and new tricks, stunts, moves, and diversions. Then the conversation changed to music, and Ginger told Max that his birth-day was a month after Paul McCartney's, which it was, and he didn't look too happy about that.  
Elizabeth slipped in and tapped Max on the shoulder. He got it and said loudly, "I will be right back, I left something in the hall." He left and Eliza-beth followed him. He went to a rarely-used room in which there was an amplifier and a bass (but not a Rickenbacker! L). He picked up the bass and played one note over and over. Elizabeth took her Cloak off and sat there, feeling faint. Finally she screamed and slumped to the floor.  
Max smiled, and took the Invisibility Cloak. He stepped out of the room and said to Chelsea, who was leaning against the wall, next to the door, "Okay, how much am I getting paid?"  
"Enough to buy Ginger a Stratocaster."  
"Why would I want to do that?"  
"Well, let's see. You can get her a Telecaster. Or a Rickenbacker bass…or a nice violin-type one-Like Paul McCartney's!"  
"Uh, Chelsea? Can I just keep it and buy stuff for me?"  
"How unromantic!"  
"Unromantic? Whatever…I always knew you'd been drinking too much Juicy Juice."  
He took the money and left. Chelsea smiled evilly. Now for the next part.  
  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
"Professor! Professor! Come quick, sir!"  
Dumbledore looked up and saw Chelsea running toward him. "What is it?"  
"There's a body in the empty storage room!"  
a  
"Draco, you know, sometimes these things happen. There's nothing you could have done." Chelsea was trying to tell Draco it wasn't his fault and that maybe he should see other people. But he didn't seem convinced.  
He wondered why Chelsea had seemed terrified of him a month ago but was now friendly enough to put her arm around him.  
"Draco, listen, next Hogsmeade trip is tomorrow. I'll take you to the Three Broomsticks and get you anything you want," Chelsea said.  
Draco didn't look at all thrilled, but thanked her and agreed.  
  
  
Chapter Eight  
  
Draco and Chelsea became close friends, and Andrew began to get jealous. Draco took Chelsea to a nice scenic point in Hogsmeade a month later. As they arrived, they waved to Katrina and Daniel who were just leaving. But she seemed distracted and preoccupied.  
"Chelsea, isn't it beautiful?"  
"Yeah…uh huh…"  
He didn't know what to make of it. And then odd things started to happen. Like when she was walking in front of him, she'd disappear and then reappear behind him. And she was amazingly strong. It was weird. Almost like she was an…  
"Artificial Person, Draco."  
He looked up from writing in his journal and there was Chelsea. "In the Muggle world, they can create people. I was created by two scientists. My brothers were fruit flies. Don't ask."  
Draco looked absolutely disgusted. "You're not even a Mudblood. You're lower than a Mudblood. You're not a real person!"  
"I'm sorry, Draco. I know I should have told you sooner. I'll leave now."  
"Don't ever come back."  
As she wandered aimlessly through the halls, Chelsea's face was a picture of sadness and deep disappointment. She remembered an old Beatles song she'd heard at Ginger's, "Misery", that went "I've lost her now for sure, I won't see her no more, It's gonna be a drag, misery…" only it was the other way around.  
Chelsea spotted Andrew, and went to talk to him.  
  
a  
Pretty soon Andrew and Chelsea were going out on dates (to the Trophy Room, walking outside late at night, et cetera).  
Fontanna spotted them one night from her cabin window (she was working for the Ministry of Magic and had special permission to live at Hogwarts for a while) but just winked at Chelsea and said nothing about it to anyone.  
One night while they were walking, Andrew stopped and got down on one knee. "Chelsea," he said. Chelsea was anticipating what would come next. She waited.  
"Will you help me? I think my ankle is sprained."  
Chelsea's face fell. But she recovered and said, "Sure. Here, put your arm on my shoulders. Yeah, just hop. Okay, let's go."  
  
  
  
Chapter Nine  
  
Draco was bitter now, and would not see any-one else. Snape gave him extra points for being in class, but he didn't care. Elizabeth was dead, Chelsea wasn't real, and he was miserable. He was going to find the person responsible for killing his fiancee. Oh yes, he would get revenge.  
  
a  
He had been searching for two months now, and he had finally come to the answer:  
Max. He'd killed Elizabeth.  
Draco was looking for Max. He'd be in the Gryffindor common room. Draco slipped in behind a first year through the hole behind the Fat Lady. As soon as they saw him, conversation stopped. They all stared at Draco, and Draco looked directly at Max.  
"Why are you here?"  
"Max…You killed my fiancee." He pointed his wand at him, ready to curse him.  
Max looked taken aback, but then responded solemnly, "No, Draco…I am your fiancee." He then proceeded to wave his wand, and there was a flash. There stood Elizabeth.  
Draco was perplexed. "Elizabeth?"  
"Yeppers. Polyjuice potion."  
"Where's Max, then?"  
"Right here!" he waved at Draco, and everyone except a few particular people applauded.  
"Rats! Why couldn't she just have killed him or something?" Ginger groaned. Harry and Ron nodded in agreement.  
Chelsea suddenly burst in and said, "Max! You're safe!"  
"You guys, can you please do this somewhere else?" said Harry. "It's kind of gross, Chelsea. Yeah I know it's not fair, but that's Ginger's fault. Go!"  
Elizabeth and Draco were together again. Harry made them leave, too, but all was well.  
"Whew! I thought we'd never get rid of them!" Ron said. "Now if we could just do something about Hermione and Max…"  
  
  
THE END  
  
Epilogue:  
  
Elizabeth and Draco were married 1 April and many attended, (including Trelawney, who was very worried that the Grim would appear) except Chelsea, who was busy helping Katrina and Daniel Nathaniel with theirs.  
Max bought a violin-style electric bass, and then discovered it was just like the one Paul McCartney had used, and tossed it in disgust. He still had a lot of money left over. Ginger found it and learned to play it from one of the guys she was sitting with at the Start-of-Term Banquet. They played gigs all around Hogsmeade and Ginger earned enough to get a Rickenbacker, and a Stratocaster.  
Everyone was pretty happy and Ginger felt very sorry for Harry so she let him stay at her house over the summer, where he was introduced to Evil Tacos, Chickens, and the like.  
Chelsea came over almost every day to see Harry. She just couldn't get enough of that dark-haired hunk…  
Sirius visited too, and helped a lot by turning into a big scary dog whenever Ginger wanted to get rid of annoying siblings.  
  
The Next and Final Hogwarts Year: Coming someday to an Inbox near you!  



End file.
